Noticed by the Almighty

At times I wonder whether God notices ... whether he cares ... desperate for reassurance of His love and presence I quietly cried out. My heart, mind, soul and body ached with "emptiness." The inevitable moment was near: "good-bye Kristi." And then it happened ...

We were at 7113B Capitol Ave, Columbus AFB, MS 39705. It had been a long day of travel, unloading the trailer, carrying furnishings into Kristi and Adam's house and helping in any way possible to set up this new home. As long as my mind was occupied with the tasks at hand I was OK.

After a very welcome cool shower, I sat on the couch watching Kristi, Julie, Adam and two of his buddies still working. As I gazed around the house I felt it ... the inevitable emptiness only parents know as their children leave home for the final time. Quietly I said good-night and retreated to the "guest room."

As I lay in bed the quietness weighed heavy on my body and mind. A few tears later I whispered to God describing the ache I was feeling and asking for His Spirit to quiet my racing, crying mind. Suddenly I remembered that earlier in the day Kristi had sent a text message instructing me to turn the radio to 104.5 when we neared Columbus. So I reached for my mp3 player and tuned to 104.5 (funny moment: it was already set to 104.5 since that is the station at home I listen to for Cleveland Indians baseball games).

He will carry me by Mark Schulz was playing ... I found the reassurance I longed for at the moment. I fell asleep and slept about as good as one can considering. I am humbled, encouraged, thankful and empowered with the reality of being noticed and cared for by the Almighty One.

Oh, it is still difficult, there have been a few tears, and, I do feel so empty, however, God's love will carry me.

PS: Next weekend Julie and I say good-bye to Kyle and Lisa as they move from nearby North Canton to their new home near Wichita, KS! Last night we helped them box up stuff at the apartment, driving home that "emptiness" was on my mind again. Thank you God for loving on me, noticing me, during these days with He will carry me.

He will carry me, by Mark Schulz, album: Stories and Songs

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

chorus:
And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

chorus

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm

chorus

Bridal Party, Kurzens & Beuns

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Adam and Kristi Kurzen

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No regrets ...!

As parents in the midst of "releasing" our daughter to create her own home with Adam we take a moment to look back in the rear view mirror of life and smile with contentment and joy. This post is a counter-balance to an earlier post with thots on if we had to do it over I listed regrets I have as a dad. Today, I begin to list "no regrets" with the full expectation of adding to it over the next several weeks. I suspect that Friday's wedding will stir emotions, feelings and reflections for days and weeks to come.

Kristi, we have no regrets ...

• your safe arrival into our family 9/7/86 (enough said)
  
• violin lessons (starting with the toy sweeper handle)
• letting your brothers tickle torture you, lovingly tease you, teaching you to drive after church (without our knowledge), and countless other ways they "loved" on you
• releasing you to Living Water so your heart's desire of growing in living and active faith could be met
  
• hanging up your basketball shoes after 9th grade
• 4 years of volleyball at Malone, especially with not talking you out of playing your senior year (not an easy time, but you finished!)
• allowing your boyfriend situations to work themselves out (you demonstrated your ability to make choices which honor your faith commitment)
• laughing and teasing you over the many contorted ways you could sit on the couch
• your wedding in our backyard :-)
• 
  

We will shed a few tears this Friday and in the days to come because we are well-pleased with who Kristi has become as a young woman. Life is not a carefully lived blueprint rather it is the dynamic interplay of choices and responses to all the good, challenges, blessing and disappointments we continue to make. II Peter 1:3-11 is an important word of encouragement and instructions for us as we increase in faith and faithfulness to the way of Jesus.

PS: I wonder ... as children of God, what "no regrets" does God have as he watches us journey through life? Once again I celebrate God's grace with us and desire to live in that grace with others.

Chandler gets ready

Prepping for Kristi and Adam's big day is in full swing. Today Chandler enjoyed his bath, I know he is hoping to be included in the wedding. (NOT!) He's such a big baby and loves attention!

"Mores..."

As the countdown nears single digits I've been thinking alot about life beyond having our children under our roof. Since April 26, 1979 Julie and I have had children tucked in bed -- that's 30+ years of the focus of our life being children, eventually four. Today these four babies are adults and we are well-pleased with each of them! They have made many great choices (including their life partners) and our love for them continues to increase as our family size continues to increase.

Occasionally my mind drifts to earlier years as a dad -- I admit I have some regrets. Is it possible to have a "do-over"? If I were to do the dad thing all over ... So I started scribbling a list for myself as I reflected on the nearly 23 years of being Kristi's dad. I shared these with Kristi realizing that my perfectionism may be at the core of my regrets. Later this week I will write another post entitled "no regrets." :-)

So, dear Kristi, If I could go back in time I would have ...

• read you more stories, tucked you in bed more often, prayed with you more often and watched you fall asleep
  
• jumped on the trampoline with you, run through the sprinkler with you and tossed water balloons with and at you
  
• kissed you on the cheek much more often and embraced you with hugs more
  
• have listened more, talked less, asked more faith and discipleship questions after SS, VBS, church and school and given less "answers" so as to encourage you to wonder more
• danced with you - of course I would have needed you to teach me
• had you drive the Corsica longer
• kept the angora goats longer
• caught your softball pitches more often
• taught you to shoot the basketball
• given you a regular allowance
• rubbed and massaged your feet
• camped and slept under the stars in our back yard with you and your brothers
• refused to turn the TV on to watch the Tribe, Browns, sitcoms, news, etc. instead discovering you
• learned to roller-blade
• taken you golfing
• sat with you more when grandpa, Mr Grim, Janine and aunt Deb died
• biked with you more
  
• talked about faith, beliefs and practices more
  
• trusted you more
• asked you to pray at meal times
• sat with you when you did your homework

Kristi - I love you, as I say good-bye to your childhood, I do have a few regrets; yet God has provided for you, and I, in amazing ways. I think you are pretty awesome - you will always be my "little girl" ... God's grace and your kindness have overcome my regrets!